It has been about a year and a half since my Grandma passed away. It tore me apart, and still hurts to this day, but it has gotten easier to deal with. However, there is now a new challenge that we have been facing for the past year. My other grandma, on my dad's side was diagnosed with cancer again. She had lung cancer about ten years ago, but last summer she was diagnosed with cancer that had attached itself to her chest wall. She went through months of treatment, radiation and chemo, and in October the doctors announced that all her scans were clear, but never said that she was cancer free. Now we know why. She is back in the hospital and they suspect that the cancer is back. This time however, I am five hours away, out of state, with no family around for support. I am scared. I am terrified. I don't know what will happen and at this point I can't do anything. I have obligations here and at the moment I can't just pack up and drive home to see how everything is going. It isn't realistic. We don't know how bad it is. If anyone does they at least haven't told me. And I mean I get it, you don't tell the college student who is 300 miles away that she is dying. I don't have the money or the chance to come home right now. But I need to know. I have to know what is happening. I'm scared that she is going to die while I am here. Realistically I know that there is a high chance that it will happen but I am not ready for it. You can never be ready to lose a loved one. It hurts so bad and I just don't even know what to think. I just need to put thoughts out there. Keep my brain moving. I don't want to focus on anything. I don't want to think about anything, yet this is all I can think about.

Grandma

July 12, 2015

Grandma isn't doing well. About a month ago we found out that she has cancer. It is terminal, so she had to of been hurting for quite a bit before she went to the hospital. Right? 

She was in the hospital for just over three weeks, and came home on my birthday. What a great present right. After seeing her everyday for almost eight years, it was strange having the house to my self, actually alone for the first time in my life. And having this happen everyday for three weeks. I didn't know what it would be like just having her home again.

Well, once she was home everything was fine. She seemed to be doing well and was happy. She would make jokes and have full conversations with us. She was eating and wasn't in too much pain, given the fact that she was covered in cancer. The reality of it was that we didn't expect her to last the three weeks home that she has. So this is nice, bringing her home and off machines, in her home with the people she loves.

Overall I am scared. I am scared that I will wake up one morning and go to say hi to her, only to find my mom and aunt and dad in her room crying. Of course I will go to the worst case in my head, and ask what is wrong. Only to have my fears confirmed. She is dead.

This will happen. I know it will. I'm just not ready. She's my grandma. She is supposed to see me graduate high school at least. To be able to see Tara get married. To send me off to college. To threaten the first boyfriend that I bring home and comfort me when we break up.

My biggest momentary fear is not that she will die soon, because I already know that it will happen, but that she will last until I go back to school. I don't want to get called out in the middle of the day, go to the office, only to be told that I have to go home, they don't know why but that I am excused. I will get my things and walk out, thinking that I know what has happened. I would get home barely able to hold back the tears and go inside to find out the truth.

I know it is coming, but I didn't expect to lose her so soon, which brings me back to where I started. July 12, 2015. 12:52 a.m. I went to help re-position Grandma like I do every night. We start and I notice her toes look kinda purplish, and I think of modeling. I think back throughout the past day or two. She said she felt sick and hadn't eaten at all that I know of for at least a day. She has stopped talking for what I have noticed. She sleeps more and doesn't move on her own at all, not her head or even swallowing. I am scared. I know what is going to happen but that doesn't mean I am prepared. 

Overall she is my grandma. My whole life she has lived less than a block away. When we moved she moved right along with us. And I wouldn't have it any other way. I knew this day would come, as we have always said that She wouldn't go to a nursing home. Which meant that she would be dying at home, with family, surrounded by love. Now that the time is closing in I am only sure of one thing.

I am scared.